Almost Five

Homestudy meeting #2 today!

I'm really happy that we're making some progress! Today we have our second home study meeting and it looks like we've gathered all but one or two things we need for our paperwork. I'm hoping we can schedule another home study meeting for next week. Our fingerprints haven't come back from CBI or the FBI, so our social worker can't write the report until we have those clearances. Overall it seems like things are moving along and I have my fingers crossed that the government bureaucracy doesn't take too long.

Baby Showers

This post is not in reference to me, but to the people out there who know someone who is bringing home their first child through adoption.

People who are adopting like to have baby showers just like people who are giving birth! I know a few single adoptive moms who have friends, families and coworkers who never thought to throw them a baby shower. It might be because the timeline is an unknown in adoption, or people don't have the visual reminder of the big belly to let them know that this person is about to become a parent. The people I know who have been passed over for this celebration are usually hurt and feel that their adoption isn't as exciting to the people around them as maybe a sister or coworker's pregnancy.

Anyway, if you know someone who is becoming a parent through adoption, throw them a party!

Conspicuous Family

When our 4 year old first came home, I was acutely aware how we were more obvious as a family than we had been. I was used to running my errands or going to restaurants and the park without having people look at us. Sometimes the look was a positive smile as if to say, "Hey, I'm a liberal Boulder-ite, and your family make-up is acceptable to me." Sometimes there was the vacuous stare from a young adult as if they were trying to figure out how we all came together, and very rarely the look of disapproval from someone.

Over time I've gotten used to being more conspicuous and it never really bothers me anymore, with the exception of the dreaded park encounter. For some reason, people think that because my daughter looks different than the rest of our family, that they have an invitation to discuss and comment on her history and our adoption. This happens most often at the park. Someone might say something like, "Where is your daughter from?" which I like to answer with the incredibly obtuse, "Our house." Or the universal shut down, "Why do you ask?" I don't like to talk about her background and life to strangers, it's weird and she should feel that there is some measure of protection from me when others feel the need to pry into her life.

Yesterday, at the dentist, as I was lying with my jaw hung open in the can't answer what the dentist is asking position, my dentist said that she could never adopt internationally because she'd be afraid that the baby would have been, "Stolen from someone." Uhh, hello?! Do you know that I'm right here?! Are you implying that my daughter was stolen? Do I now have to defend our adoption and her life history by revealing her story, or do I keep my mouth *open* and just let her have her opinion?

In any case, it is now a part of our lives that others feel that they are entitled to know more about us because there's more that is apparent without ever talking to us. It is hard for a chatty person like me to keep her story private, but I think it is a story for her to decide when and how to share when she's older than 4.

Form VS. Function

My parents drove a variety of cars during the time I was growing up that were perfect for hauling kids around and driving carpool etc. My favorite was the VW bus, my mom took out the middle seat and we would sit on the floor, or pretend we were surfing while she tried to get air on the "bumpity-bumps." My parents also had the giant station wagon with a way back. The cool thing about the way back was that the rear window could go down, so if you sat back there you could inhale all the carbon monoxide you wanted and you were perfectly positioned to shoot out that window like a missile if you were rear-ended. We were in a carpool for a few years where parents would run outside and stack kids in each others cars without any thought of seatbelts or front row etc.

Anyway, fast forward to a more safety conscious era and the vehicle chioces are much more limited than the glory days of the 70's. Apparently there are two options:

1) Soulless, uninspiring minivan
2) Gas guzzling monstrosity designed for pulling horse trailers

I would like to be on an advisory panel for a company to design a car for parents who would like to cling to the hope that they might still be cool. The ideal car would look like a small SUV on the outside (Q5) and it would defy dimension and be like a small family room inside, like the bottle in "I Dream of Jeanie)." I cannot believe that self-vacuuming seats have not been invented yet. Also, All-wheel-drive and possibly a hybrid or TDI engine. The car should not be available in beige, seafoam green or white. It should also be affordable and have a sporty interior free of plastic burled walnut. I can't wait for this car to hit production, because in the meantime it looks like I'll be driving a minivan.

Homestudy and Other Digging

Part of adopting is the highly invasive part called the home study. With our last adoption, we already knew our social worker, so the part where she came to our house and checked out all of our stuff wasn't so bad. This time, we met our social worker as she arrived at our house on Saturday. People have different ideas of what is funny, but generally jokes about taking my kids away make me feel uncomfortable. Four hours also seems lengthy for our first visit, but I just kept smiling and hoping the kids would behave. I also didn't know that she would interview our kids without having us present, they seem a little young for this, but what am I going to do, say no? In the end, she was pleasant and the visit was fine, but having a person I've never met evaluate us, our home and our children ranks up there as top things I don't want to ever do again.

We then took a trip to the police department for fingerprinting and local background checks. It turns out neither of us is wanted criminal, at least not locally, we still have the FBI and CBI reports pending. Lucky for the kids, this is not the end of the fingerprinting, since going to places with police officers is really fun for them.

Lucky

My friend, Amy, grew up with a pet rabbit named Lucky. Once when she and her family were away on vacation, Lucky died in his cage. My friend's father found the rabbit and decided to not tell his family, opting instead to take the rabbit to a taxidermist, who stuffed Lucky into an attack bunny pose. Amy's father then "surprised" his family with Lucky on Christmas morning.

Another Lucky is the comment I often get in reference to our adopted (or soon to be) kids. Many times I've had people say that our adopted daughter is so lucky. I understand that this comment is made with good intentions, but it's the underlying implication that bothers me. As though our daughter who shares our biology is entitled to a nice life and the one who is adopted kind of lucked out.

I don't know the extent to which children feel the loss of their biological parents when they are infants, but I imagine it is a loss that is imprinted more on the core of their being than on their memory. Our daughter doesn't remember much of her life before we were her parents, but I think if I ask her in 10 years if she feels lucky to be relinquished and adopted, she would be conflicted about her response.

She was going to be our daughter before she was ever born and we are more catalysts for her life than than responsible for her current existence. I don't want her growing up feeling that she was somehow less deserving of the life she has than a child born to our family, partly for her feelings and mostly because I don't believe that. And I certainly don't want her growing up thinking that she somehow owes us for choosing to be her parents. Because I am a total freak when it comes to keeping rooms clean and I don't care what your history is, a clean freak mom is not something to feel lucky about.

Why so late to the game?

Generally I've shied away from the idea of blogging since most people find stories about parenting and grocery shopping dull even in the spoken form. Seth and I recently began the process for our second adoption (child #3), which is simultaneously exciting and nerve-wracking. Last time, Seth and I went through a lot of anticipation, waiting, and endless paperwork that the people around us were generally unaware of. I am hoping by posting our milestones and progress that our friends and family can feel more a part of the process this time.

Just in case you don't know, we are hoping to adopt a boy around 2 or 3 years old and we hope that he'll come home some time in the coming 10-12 months. We also have two daughters, one is five and one is four and they're pretty excited to have someone at home who they can micro-manage.

Thanks for reading!